Judgement: How criticism of others harms and hides us from ourselves
Explore self-reflection and compassion to unlock personal growth
The Harm of Judgement: How Criticism of Others Hides Us From Ourselves
Explore self-reflection and compassion to unlock personal growth
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|Our judgments and criticisms of others often reveal more about ourselves than those we judge. This blog post explores how these negative patterns can be harmful and hide us from our own truths. We discuss how self-reflection, empathy, and compassion can lead to personal growth and deeper understanding.
About an hour after posting a message on the Coles Facebook page in support of their decision to withdraw advertising on 2GB radio, I received a phone call from a private number. The unidentified voice told me they had seen my post and I needed ‘to shove a sock down my throat’. This experience, while shocking, unfortunately highlights the very themes that this blog post will explore. It shows how judgment and criticism can become a barrier to meaningful conversation and highlights the importance of self-reflection and empathy in our interactions.
The message I received and that broadcast by 2GB recently concern me greatly. But not for the reasons frequently articulated in our media. It's not simply about one particular radio station or presenter; it's about the broader implications for our society and our personal wellbeing. This is about the way we are treating each other, and the wider impact on our world.
We are social beings. Like it or not what is broadcast in our media shapes us as individuals and as a society. It concerns me greatly that 2GB allows such angry vitriolic abuse to be vomited across our airwaves. This model of behaviour, whether you call it a form of masculinity or something else, is damaging to our families, our relationships, our children, our mental health and wellbeing. It normalizes this type of interaction, and reduces our ability to relate to each other in a compassionate way. It undermines the principles of diversity and inclusion.
We might think the comments broadcast in our media are benign, a joke, having a laugh, freedom of speech, or that we are entitled to our opinions. But they are so much more. They speak to us as people, the way we are in the world, and how we expect ourselves and others to be. These words have power, and when used to create an environment of negativity, it affects us all. It sets a tone for our interactions, and reinforces patterns of judgement.
Our Australian social and political discourse tells us we’ve got to be tough and strong. That it’s ok to be judgemental and critical of others and if they are upset by something you have to say, then that is their problem, not yours. In other words, it is ok to minimise, downplay or outright dismiss another’s concerns in an uncaring, judgemental and savage way. These messages are damaging, as they reinforce a culture of criticism and undermine a more compassionate and connected approach. They are also damaging as they impact our ability to relate to others in a positive way. This way of thinking is not helpful to ourselves, or to others.
We avoid our own discomfort by labelling others as emotional, weak, wimps, a pussy, soft cocks, or butterballs. Our humanity and vulnerability are diminished in those moments. We objectify and dehumanise the people in our life whether that is our wife, lover, colleague, friend, neighbour or fellow Australian. These labels act as a shield for us, but they diminish our ability to form positive relationships and to be more compassionate. We need to explore the reasons we do this, and start to approach each other from a place of kindness and understanding.
When we behave this way, otherness unfolds in every domain of our life. It doesn’t just show up in our racism, misogyny, homophobia, shaming of difference, or bullying that hurts others in our world. The same pattern of behaviour starts to hurt us closer to home, in our own relationships and wellbeing. These actions create division and isolation, and this negative energy permeates all areas of our lives. When we act in this way, we cause pain both to others, and also to ourselves.
Our nation is in pain. Each year in Australia more than 3000 people suicide. Seventy-five percent are men. A further 65,000 people attempt to take their own life. We need to re-think who we are and how we want to be in the world if this is going to change. This pattern of behaviour cannot continue, and it is up to all of us to make a difference. We must start to explore other options, and to embrace a more compassionate way of life.
It is socially acceptable to hide our vulnerability by being critical, complaining, raging in an angry way or having a laugh to make light of difficult and painful situations. It is even considered ok in many circles to numb our emotional pain by knocking back a few at the local or in the privacy of your own home - brews, cones, lines, - name your poison. These behaviours create a barrier to dealing with our emotions, and it is essential that we find other options.
If that’s the best we can do, it’s no wonder so many feel there is no-where to turn when they are suffering and in distress. There is no soft place to land. No compassionate, understanding voice. To long for that is shameful for many. So, what are your mates to do? We need to create a place for kindness, empathy and understanding, where we can all be ourselves and receive the support that we need.
We all need love and belonging. With almost 50,000 divorces in our country each year, the prevalence of sexual assault, intimate partner violence, and children that experience violence we struggle to develop, maintain and nurture relationships. These statistics show a trend of disconnection, and highlight the need for deeper connection and stronger relationships. We need to explore how to build better relationships in all areas of our lives.
The science of adult attachment and relationships are clear - we all need a safe haven to buffer us from the stressors and challenges in the landscape of life. We need to know how to embrace our vulnerability, emotional interactions that feel safe and help us connect with ourselves and our significant others is fundamental to healthy relationships and our wellbeing. This is important at home, in our workplaces and communities. We must learn to be vulnerable, and to embrace our humanity in order to thrive.
Yet, the behaviours that play out on our national airwaves and other media each day, harsh criticism, anger, judgment, minimising, blaming, shaming, vitriolic abuse and defensiveness, are the very behaviours that tear our lives and our nation apart. These behaviours have a direct impact on our emotional well-being, and our relationships with others. By addressing these issues in our communities and media we can build a kinder and more supportive world.
We need to change the conversation. We need to recognise our own and each other’s humanity. We need a compassionate, friendly voice, a safe place to land in all areas of our life. We need to develop emotional courage. This involves embracing our vulnerabilities, and working towards creating a world that is both kinder and more inclusive.
It’s time our media broadcasters were responsible and accountable for how they shape the wellbeing and relationships of our nation. That means a respectful dialogue that values diversity and inclusion and demonstrates this through the behaviours that are modelled. Our country’s biggest employers get it and they are letting it be known through their advertising dollars. This is a step in the right direction, and more needs to be done to ensure we all feel safe and valued.
I was surprised the Coles Troll went to so much effort to stalk me online and find my number. I was not surprised by the intimidating, threatening tone or what he said. Alan Jones had already said it. The question is why does 2GB allow him to continue to do so? This shows a pattern of behaviour that is not only damaging to the people targeted, but also to our community. It is time for us all to be better.
Why We Judge Others
Judgment is a natural response, often stemming from our need to make sense of the world and protect ourselves. However, it can also serve as a shield, hiding our insecurities or fears. When we criticize someone else, we might be projecting our internal struggles or unresolved issues outward, unknowingly creating a barrier to connection.
Judgment is a mirror reflecting back at us—what we criticize in others often reveals something we fear or dislike within ourselves.
The hidden impact of criticism how judgment disconnects us
Criticism creates emotional distance, even in our closest relationships. When we judge others, we miss the opportunity to truly see them for who they are, instead focusing on perceived flaws. This disconnect can lead to feelings of loneliness and a lack of authenticity in our connections.
The cost of defensiveness
Judgment often arises as a defence mechanism, protecting us from our vulnerabilities. However, this defensiveness comes at a cost—it blocks our ability to be fully open and honest with ourselves and others, leading to a sense of isolation.
Turning criticism into compassion
The journey from judgment to compassion starts with self-awareness and a willingness to reflect.
Pause and reflect
When you feel the urge to judge, take a moment to pause and ask yourself: What’s behind this reaction? What does this judgment reveal about me?
Embrace vulnerability
Instead of hiding behind criticism, allow yourself to be vulnerable. By acknowledging your fears or insecurities, you create space for genuine connection and growth.
Practice kindness
Compassion begins with small acts of kindness—both toward yourself and others. Shift your focus from judgment to understanding, and notice how it transforms your interactions.
From judgment to authenticity
When we step away from judgment, we allow ourselves to live more authentically. This shift fosters deeper relationships, a greater sense of self-awareness, and a life enriched by compassion. By recognizing the ways judgment harms and hides us, we take the first step toward a more connected and fulfilling way of being.
Common questions about judgement and criticism
Judging and criticizing others often stems from our own insecurities, unresolved issues, or unmet needs. It can act as a defence mechanism to avoid facing our own flaws.
When we focus on judging others, we create a barrier to self-reflection and personal growth. By concentrating on others, we avoid the real work of examining our own behaviours.
Criticism can be a sign of a lack of empathy. When we cultivate more empathy and understanding, it is easier to put ourselves into someone else's shoes and avoid being judgemental.
How can self-reflection help reduce our judgement of others?
Practicing compassion and empathy leads to more meaningful connections, improved relationships, and a greater sense of personal wellbeing. By focusing on kindness, we open the door to a more fulfilling life.
Reflect and acknowledge
Take some time to think about the last time you judged or criticised another person. What was the situation? What were your feelings? What might this reveal about your own experience and needs? Consider what steps you can take to reframe this experience from a place of compassion and empathy.
Book an appointment with Jo Gniel today to identify and break old patters.
If you are finding it difficult to overcome patterns of judgement and criticism, Jo offers a supportive and non-judgmental environment where you can explore these feelings. Book a session via our website contact form to start your journey toward greater understanding and compassion.
Learn more about how judgement and criticism harms and hides us
Want to deepen your understanding of how judgement and criticism can affect you and your relationships? We've curated a list of resources that you can explore right away. These materials offer further insight and practical guidance to support you on your journey to greater emotional health.
Recommended Resources
The secret of becoming mentally strong
Amy Morin explores the power of self reflection, and how this can positively affect your life.
Key Topics: Self-reflection, personal growth, self-awareness, introspection Posted on TEDx
The benefits of empathy
Kendra Cherry provides a detailed explanation of what empathy is, and the different types of empathy.
Key Topics: Empathy, understanding, compassion, emotional connection Posted on VeryWellMind
The Centre for Nonviolent Communication
A website that provides a range of resources to help you practice non-violent communication with others.
Key Topics: Communication, non-violent communication, empathy, conflict resolution
How to practice self-compassion
A simple resource from the Greater Good Science Centre at the University of California, Berkeley on how to practice self compassion.
Key Topics: Self-compassion, kindness, self-care, emotional regulation Posted on Greater Good Science Centre
Resource library
To help you navigate the landscape of life we've carefully curated a resource library and invite you to explore some of the leading voices in the field of relationships and wellbeing. Each resource provides the opportunity to deepen your understanding, nurture self-awareness, and connect more fully with yourself and others. Should you choose to wander through these resources, please know that some links are affiliate-based. If you make a purchase, we may receive a small commission—at no extra cost to you. It's a simple way to support our work while you nourish your own growth.