|The early stages of love can be intoxicating, but what happens when the initial infatuation fades? This blog post explores why self-compassion is essential for sustaining long-term relationships. We delve into the challenges of moving beyond early infatuation, identifying core relational values, and nurturing love that lasts.

The Rollercoaster of Early Infatuation

Beyond the limerence phase in the early stages of a relationship, couples can struggle to develop and maintain a long-term relationship. Falling madly in love with your other half is exciting, set rollicking in motion, drunk on the idea that our “missing piece” has been found, supposedly “set for life.” I must be with them to be happy...so we think. The early stages of a relationship are often a rollercoaster of emotions, a time of intense passion, excitement and often a feeling of being "high" on love.

Self-Compassion: Navigating the Shift Beyond Infatuation

Everyone wants to be comforted, loved, and cared for. The hopped-up dose of the “early infatuation” hormone cocktail is quite truthfully the most habit-forming drug on earth, meaning we ride the wave of joy and wellbeing, ignoring the rocks of our new partner’s less admirable qualities underneath. What’s behind the curtain? Thinking more critically, our partner is really attracted to a projection of us or an idealised version of who they think we might be. We no longer see each other clearly. Here, the cocktail is wearing off, so now we see the things we don’t like so much. Sometimes, we can feel like we’ve made an error. They might have annoying habits, like leaving the mug next to the dishwasher or putting their clothes on the floor next to the basket. Or maybe they're struggling to navigate bigger stressors in life. Brave faced. During this time it is important to practice self-compassion and to not get caught up in the negative emotions.

Suddenly, the focus swings the other way. Now, we only see what we don’t like in our partner. We might try to change them. In time our negativity bias kicks in and we only see their bad qualities, not the good ones that are still there. In an ideal world, self-compassion kicks in, when we notice these less admirable aspects of our other half. In consoling ourselves, we come to the realisation that we can soothe our disappointment or distress and meet that need by ourselves. This approach allows us to move away from the need to change our partners, and it creates a space for growth, both individually and as a couple.

Sustaining Love Through Core Relational Values

The Beginning of Self Compassion for Couples - Stemming from our feelings of comfort, a sense of calmness and composure appears, allowing us to see our partner again more clearly. It becomes a science experiment, picking them apart with curiosity to notice everything, from the parts we like or dislike to who this person is and what is meaningful to them. Now they exist solely for us outside our realm of likes and dislikes, no longer as an extension of ourselves, so we see them as they truly are. We can accept and love them for who they are. The bottom line is, we don’t have to be good to be loved. We all long for unconditional love and understanding. We all have flaws and imperfections, and by accepting these traits in each other, we can build relationships based on trust and mutual understanding.

Let our values be the wheel - Think about what your partner is and who they are. What might be meaningful to them? What is meaningful to you? Be curious and open to understanding in a deeper way what is fundamental and matters to you. The ones that overlap are your “core relational values” that function similar to the steering wheel. These values can keep us on course together but then can also help us back to new discoveries when we have drifted off. Understanding and supporting each other’s values allows us to find meaning together, and to support each other through difficult times.

Connect with Joy - Knowing and supporting our partner’s core values allows us to experience their joy with anything in alignment with those values. We can truly celebrate with them! We can be joyful together. You especially, knowing that our loved one is truly happy. We don’t have to sacrifice connection for freedom. By understanding our partner in a deeper way, and supporting their core values, we allow ourselves to see their happiness, and experience more joy together.

Learn More About Self-Compassion

Want to deepen your understanding of self-compassion and how it can help you build healthier relationships? We've curated a list of resources that you can explore right away. These materials offer further insight and practical guidance to support you on your journey to greater emotional health.

Recommended Resources:

When the Dopamine Blinders Come Off

Michelle Becker discusses the concept of self-compassion in relation to relationships and falling in love.

Key Topics: Self-compassion, relationships, limerence, emotional wellbeing.

The Science of Lasting Love

The Gottman Institute explains some of the key elements of a lasting love and how to make love last.

Key Topics: Long-term relationships, lasting love, relationships, empathy.

What is Self-Compassion?

Kristin Neff provides a detailed explanation of self-compassion, and the benefits that it can provide.

Key Topics: Self-compassion, mindfulness, self-kindness, emotional wellbeing.

How to Develop and Maintain Intimacy in Long-Term Relationships

Verywellmind explores practical tips on how to maintain intimacy in long-term relationships.

Key Topics: Intimacy, long-term relationships, communication, emotional connection.

Maintaining Passion in Long Term Relationships

The school of life explores the idea of passion, and how to maintain this in a long term relationship.

Key Topics: Passion, long-term relationships, emotional connection, intimacy.